The other day as i was having dinner with my Sister's family, i saw how well my brother in law handled a typical sibling rivarly & i thought it is worth mentioning here.
As with any other family with 2 children, my niece and nephew were vying over the iphone (what else?). My niece actually had the phone first but the younger brother insisted on having it.
In all (i really mean ALL) other family i know with 2 kids, the parent would order the elder to give in to the younger. Their rational is 'Because you are older!' or 'because he/she is still young!' I always felt that this way of handling the situation isn't very fair to the older kid. I get concern that the elder will grow up resenting the younger or feel that he/she hasn't got much a place at home. A friend made her older boy give in to the younger to a point where he actually questioned her in exasperation 'WHY DO I HAVE TO GIVE IN ALL THE TIME?'. Worst, another friend's younger boy punched his older brother who broke into tears. Instead of reprimanding the younger boy, the mother turned her entire attention on the younger one, get this, comforting him while the older boy sobbed alone. His father simply told the older boy 'AH, he's just a 'didi' (younger brother).' And that was the end it. Poor boy.
So what did my brother in law do? He simply told the boy that elder sister had the phone first and he had to wait for his turn. I know alot of parent insist on giving in to the younger kid because they don't want to manage a meltdown. But i feel this is a easy way out that will lead to a mountain of problems later on. If this is done repeatedly, the younger one will learn that all he has to do is to kick a HUGE fuss in order to get his way. Like the case of my friend's younger boy. He now throws a horrible tantrum to get his way and my friend is too deep into it that it is very, extremely difficult to manage him now that he is older.
I know it's so much easier said than done! But i am going to try! I believe if done rightly the first couple of times, it will a whole lot easier subsequently. I'll just have to bite the bullet first!
loved what your BIL did. I'd probably do the same.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad we are practicing your BIL's style, "come 1st, serve 1st". Initially my 17 months will throw tantrum whenever we asked him to wait for his turn, now it seems he has get used to it! Thesedays when he wants to fight for anything from his big sis(who took the thing 1st), we just give him a 'hiss' and he will knw he has to give in and wait for his turn!;D
ReplyDeletethat's right! the key to it is consistency which you've done well!!! I think its the intial period that will be tough. I hope i can be like you when no.2 arrives.
ReplyDeleteI am expecting my #2 in 2 months' time, and definitely, sibling rivalry is something hubby and I got to watch out for! It is so important to ensure the older one still feels secure and loved, and being "forced" to give in each time is plain unfair! :) Your BIL handled the situation very well!
ReplyDeleteYes we've got to make a conscious effort in making no1 feels love still! All the best to you and me when no2 arrives! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that the common approach of asking the older child to give 'it' up to the younger child is simply not fair. I don't practise it right from the start. My boys know that throwing tantrums NEVER work in our family, so we get very few tantrums from them. But if both kids are after the same thing, the one who had it first also needs to understand that he has to share when the time is up. It works well in our family, though with some prized possession, there are still bickering at times.
ReplyDeleteI came to your blog from My Little Sprouts. I agree that children need to learn to take turns, a skill they will need for the rest of their life. We do the same with our two girls, who has the toy or item first, gets a turn and the other has to be patient and wait. Tantrums don't work with hubby and I too.
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