Keeping it real & Plans for June

I haven't been feeling myself for the past weeks. There were alot of internal struggle, tempers raging and tears. I lost the purpose of all that i have been doing. So it has been weeks of hibernation, tuning out just to cut myself some slack. Unfortunately, it didn't help much since i got guilty for cutting myself mentally from the kids, leaving them to the television, iPad, aimlessly (or not) roaming & exploring on their own.

These days, i keep having uncontrollable anger toward my kids and sometimes the husband. I shan't say what was the result of the anger, it wasn't pleasant to say the least. The littlest of things would spark a typhoon of emotions, mostly anger. I don't like the 'new' me. More guilt. More anger. More impatience.

I think it is the taking care of 2 kids (OK OK some of you have 3 and are doing WAY better than me) all by myself. It is taking a toll on me- without my realisation. Babydoll is gaining her independence and asserting her demands. I can't do something without feeling rushed resulting in improper or incomplete task, which frustrates me to no end. On the other hand, i have the boy, who's fairly happy on his own. But i cannot help but feel guilt for not spending enough time with him, without any interruption from the girl. Instead of cuddling with him, i spend time barking, yelling and showing him my annoyance. To add to the stress, his speech and social skills are worrying me again. Then self condemnation for not putting more effort in helping him. It does not help either that everywhere i turn i see areas that i need to clean/tidy. There are dust, mess at every step. I make mental notes to clear it all, but when i finally have the time, all i want to do is shut out and tune in to the television or internet. Babydoll, isn't helping either, she is going around digging out stuff & adding on to the mess. Then, i feel bad that the husband has to clear out the chores, although he hasn't been complaining. All i want to do is tune out but when i do, i feel bad, i feel lousy for ignoring my children. Needless to say, homeschooling is non-existent at this moment.

I know, it is something most mothers go through. And i am no super woman. We all fall along the way.

Fortunately, my spirits are picking up- thank God for my mother. With her help these 2 days, i am able to tune out without feeling guilty- hence i am here typing post after post. So, i have time and energy to plan out the 'work' for sonshine this June. I will focus our activities on:

1) Spelling

2) Writing Chinese characters

3) Continuation of 四五快读

4) Writing (English)

5) Speech
6) Geography- Map of Europe
7) Exciting project which i took part in (more about this later!)

Well, let's see if i can stick to the plan.